Quality Time Is a Myth (And What Actually Works Instead)

A mentor of mine told me something my freshman year of college that I haven't been able to shake.

"Quality time is a myth. Quality time is an accident that happens in the context of quantity time."

His name was Ron Kopicko. He was the college chaplain at Spring Arbor University, and when he said it I filed it away as one of those things that sounds wise but you don't really understand until you're living it. Now that I have four daughters and nearly three decades of youth and family ministry under my belt, I think about that quote almost every week.

Here's the problem with quality time as a concept. It puts the pressure on you to manufacture a meaningful moment. You sit the kids down, you've got something planned, and you're essentially announcing: okay everyone, this is going to be special now. Pay attention. Feel something.

Sometimes that works. But in my experience, that's not usually how the best moments happen.

Oh, Canada

A few summers ago our family went to Canada for vacation. We saw the mountains. We went on some breathtaking hikes. We visited the set of a Hallmark show that the girls were really into, and yes, I was there too, and no, I'm not going to pretend I didn't enjoy it.

All of it was great. But you know what my girls actually talk about?

The time in the van.

We were waiting to board a ferry to Vancouver Island in August, which turned out to be the same weekend that what seemed like the entire population of Canada had also decided to take a vacation. What should have been a short wait turned into four hours sitting on an exit ramp. Just us, the van, and absolutely nowhere to go.

For lunch, my daughter Megan decided to make PB&J sandwiches for everybody. We didn't have any utensils. So she sanitized her hands with Germ X and used her fingers to spread the peanut butter and jelly on the bread.

I realize I may have just lost some of you. I'm sorry. Just keeping it real.

The girls started calling our rental van "Megan's Food Van" for the rest of the trip and she became the official snack distributor from that point on. It was hilarious. Each of my girls had role in this ridiculous food-van enterprise. That story gets told at family dinners. Not the mountains. Not the hikes. The Germ X PB&J on an exit ramp.

That's what Ron meant. You can't schedule that. You can only show up for enough hours together that it has room to happen.

Why Most Families Aren't Getting This

When I talk to parents, I hear the same story everywhere I go. Work, school, dance, sports, club sports, theater, chess club, homework, and by the time everyone makes it home there's nothing left. Everybody drifts to their own corner of the house and the evening disappears.

I get it. Our family lives this too.

And I'll be honest about something. I know a lot of parents who have great intentions around this and zero follow through. I've been that parent. The road to an empty nest is paved with "we really should spend more time together."

I've learned the hard way that what gets scheduled is what gets done. If family time doesn't have a protected spot on the calendar, it will always be the first thing bumped when life gets loud.

Three Things Worth Trying

First, put family time on the calendar and treat it like you would a meeting at work. Most of us would never just blow off a meeting with our boss because something else came up. Give your family the same level of protection you give your professional commitments.

Second, enter your kids' world instead of waiting for them to enter yours. I know a father-in-law who had zero interest in hunting until his son got really into it in high school. He learned to hunt. Not because he loved it, but because he loved his son and wanted a reason to be in the same space with him. Whatever your kids are into right now, the video game, the show, the instrument they're learning, that's your invitation. The point is not for you to enjoy the activity. The point is to be together. (When I say “whatever they are into”, I of course mean that the activity needs to match up with your family values and faith.Don’t do something immoral or illegal with your kids just to spend time with them.)

Third, if things have been tense and you don't know how to break the cycle, here's a story I want you to sit with.

Mike Yaconelli was one of the great figures in youth ministry history. Along with Wayne Rice, he founded Youth Specialties in 1969, an organization that genuinely transformed how youth workers were trained across America. Mike had a gift for seeing through the complicated to the simple, and parents used to seek him out for advice on their teenagers.

One family came to him about a son they were constantly butting heads with. Every conversation became an argument. Every attempt to connect ended in conflict. They were exhausted and running out of ideas.

Mike's advice was not what they expected. He told them to walk into their son's room, look him in the eye, and in a firm voice tell him to come downstairs to the kitchen. The son would stomp down, drop into a chair, and sit there with his arms crossed waiting for the lecture.

At which point Mike told them to look the kid dead in the eye and say: "Son, we're counting to 100. Go hide."

Then start counting.

His point was simple. Sometimes the most disarming thing you can do is change the pace completely and do something unexpected together. Not a serious talk. Not another attempt at forced connection. Just something ridiculous and fun that neither of them saw coming.

You Haven't Missed It

If you're reading this feeling like the window is closing and you haven't been as intentional as you wanted to be, I want you to hear something clearly: today is a new day.

You don't need a trip to Canada. You don't need a grand gesture or a perfectly planned evening. You just need to show up consistently enough that the accidents have room to happen.

Put something small on the calendar this week. Step into their world. Be present with the people who are physically in front of you.

The quality time is already waiting for you inside the quantity time. It always has been.